Dear Single Women

Published originally for The Conservateur: https://www.theconservateur.com/conservateur-club/dear-single-women

People spend a majority of their lives married. In the U.S., most people get married between the ages of 28-30 and the average life expectancy is about 77 years. That's about half a century. In Iowa, where I’m originally from, the average age of marriage is 26, with most people I know meeting their life partner between the ages of 23-25.

Having just turned 25, I’ve received a waterfall of wedding invitations — and it will continue probably until my mid 30s, only to be slowly replaced by baby shower invitations and birth announcements.

This societal pressure to get married is a net good, especially given the United States’ declining replacement rate. To sustain economic growth, the average birth rate should be at least two children per woman. 

Single women who want children are in a race against time and statistics. Doctors freak us out with the term, “geriatric pregnancy.” Ending the taboo of fertility struggles has been empowering but still worrisome for those of us who haven’t yet found a partner let alone have  started trying for children.

The abundance of dating advice, apps to meet new people, communication modes, and self-improvement routines are overwhelming. It makes many people conclude: “I need to get my own house in perfect order before I find my life-partner.” Either that, or they overindulge in dating for the sake of dating. 

Ms. Prolonged Adolescence

Being unmarried feels like you’re not quite yet a real grown-up, both financially and emotionally. Unless you have an above-average income, buying a home on one salary is practically impossible. 

Single people are also inherently less responsible. You cook and maintain a home for one, or roommates if you have them, and can go about your life as you please. There is no one to consult with before UberEats-ing McDonald’s at 9pm or leaving laundry on the couch for three weeks. 

Having a bad day because your friend dropped the ball on a group trip or said something hurtful? Try dealing with inconsiderate in-laws or a child home sick from school. 

People, especially married people with children, don’t take you as seriously because your problems are different from theirs and feel less pressing. Often, that assumption is correct, but it doesn't feel great to have your very real problems discounted.

Well, what else are you doing?

There’s something about being unmarried that changes the your perception of time. You should be traveling to visit your married friends and relatives, because your schedule is more flexible and you have nothing else to do. Right?

I mean, maybe. But being on an income of one also means having to be much more self-sufficient and likely more at the disposal of one’s parents and friends because of that assumed availability. Relatives and friends, whom I love dearly, are occasionally annoyed or puzzled that I can’t take trips to visit more — after all, what else am I doing on my weekends, or with my vacation time?

You’re running out of time

Some people are particularly harsh to their single friends, continuously asking, “Why can’t you just pick someone to date?” 

“Why didn’t you like that person, I thought they were so nice!,” they’ll say.

 And the ever looming, “Do you feel like you’re running out of time?” 

This last question is almost exclusively asked of women and not men, as if the ticking biological clock isn’t already constantly haunting us. 

The reasons that relationships end are often awkward for one or both people in the relationship. The reason you give often doesn’t sound valid enough to the people you tell it to. 

Not being excited to text someone back or plan a date at the beginning of a relationship shouldn't be something to “just work through.” Any similar minor complaints or small markers of disinterest at the beginning of relationships are important to be mindful of, to both protect your time and the time of the person that you’re dating. 

It is possible to be too picky or too disagreeable. This is something that friends, at least true friends, will notice before you do. So, if you suspect that you are actually the problem — ask someone you trust that will answer in good faith. 

Being too picky can self-sabotage potential relationships out of fear of emotional dependency. It can also be a red-flag that you haven’t worked through a particular trauma. 

Dear single women, 

Maybe you are the problem. Maybe you are letting a previous heartbreak or trauma keep you from opening up to men who you might love. 

To married women or women in relationships, 

Your single friends are already putting pressure on themselves, please don’t add to it. It’s not always that easy to find someone compatible to date. 

Also, consider that when your friend's relationship ends that they might not give you the full reason — either to protect their own reputation or that of their ex.