Lessons from The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

Published for The Conservateur: https://www.theconservateur.com/lifestyle/lessons-from-the-rules-time-tested-secrets-for-capturing-the-heart-of-mr-right

My earlier draft version:

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right.” was written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and first published in 1995. The pocket sized book has somewhat wanted in popularity, but is still often passed onto young women in need of romantic guidance. That's exactly how I came across my copy. A loan from a roommate, who received it from her aunt when she turned 24, the age of a Midwestern old maid.

Considering that I am unwedded and nearing 26 with “no money and no prospects,” to quote Charlotte from Pride and prejudice, I thought I should review The Rules, both for my own edification and for young women in a similar boat. Hopefully we can all row upriver towards love. 

Lesson 1: Let him pursue you 

Page 7,“Men are born to respond to challenge. Take away their challenge and their interest wanes.”

Page 31, “You have to wait for someone to notice you.”

Call Her Daddy and other leaders of the Fallen Femme Church, a congregation I was once a member of, sometimes preach the same message as The Rules. I vividly remember Sofia Franklyn, back before she split from Call Her Daddy co-host Alex Cooper, saying, “If a man likes you, he will let you know.” I probably listened to that particular episode a dozen times during college, trying to get the message to sink into my brain.

Her statement should be amended, only slightly, to say, “If a man likes you enough he will let you know.” Experiencing sparks of romantic connection is quite common in your 20s. During this time, every event or trip to a bar holds the faint possibility of meeting 'the one.' I've often failed to temper my excitement and openness in nearly every relationship I've been in, and I believe this is why most of them fizzled out. 

Setting the standard of not giving your time to a man who isn’t putting in enough effort isn’t a cold or passive decision. Often it takes more effort to hold back from making all of the plans when you really really like someone. 

Perhaps he seems happy with you always making plans, maybe you’re fine consistently texting him first. But do you want to do that forever? 

Exercising restraint and allowing certain connections to naturally fade away is crucial for ensuring long-term commitment. It helps filter for initial interest, preventing you from investing valuable time and energy in reviving a relationship that has lost its spark

Filter for upfront interest so you don’t waste precious time trying to pump air into a deflated courtship. 

Not acting, and waiting for a man to pursue you intentionally ensures that he likes you enough to really try. Provide him with enough social opportunities and interaction to ask you out, but choose not to take the lead, instead wait for him to pursue you with intention. This ensures that his interest goes beyond saying “yes” to a hook up or hanging out casually a few times without any clear intention.

Lesson 2: You are not perfect as you are

Page 15, “Before The Rules can be applied for the best, most unbelievable results— the man of your dreams asking you to marry him — you have to be the best you can be.” 

Self actualization isn’t something to be scoffed at. If you want someone great, you need to be great. You are not going to be made happy by someone else. Most of your life is with you, you need to love yourself.

The Rules give advice to be busy, be gracious, workout, make new friends and prioritize the things you care most about because you should be building an interesting and fulfilling life, with or without a boyfriend. 

Lesson 3: Look good.

Pt.17 “Remember that you’re dressing for men, not other women.”

Consider that every time you put together an outfit, you are communicating something about yourself and showing respect to the event or place that you are going to. Wearing a nice dress to dinner with your friends expresses the specialness of the evening and 

This doesn’t mean you should stress out when running to the grocery shopping on a Sunday after the gym. However, it does mean understanding that meeting someone could happen anytime, anywhere. 

On page 19 the authors suggest the reader, “put lipstick on even when you go jogging.” This seems a little silly, but the principle of that advice is that you should be open to meeting someone while doing things that you enjoy. Lipstick is probably unnecessary, thankfully its not 1995 anymore and the cosmetic industry has dramatically grown. Consider a luminous sunscreen, SPF lip balm or oil and a functional but intentionally chosen outfit.

Lesson 4: Don’t neglect your career

This advice is pretty straightforward. “The biggest mistake a woman can make when she meets a man she wants to marry is to make him the center of her life. She may jeopardize her job by daydreaming.” (Page 19).

As Brittney Spears said, “Work Bitch.”

Lesson 5: Be modest with the information you share

Recall Anne Elliot’s mistake in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. The man Anne loved proposed to her, she asked the opinion of a close, trusted friend who advised against the match, and Anne deferred to that opinion over her own judgment, sentencing herself to many years of loneliness and heartache. Although Persuasion is a work of fiction, the experience of trusting a friend or parent’s advice over your own feelings is a common trap that we can fall into– especially in your 20s. In our age of excitement, group-chats and screenshots, it's easy to get caught up in the feedback from others.

Be mindful how the opinions of others can move the needle of your personal moral compass or make you feel more desperate to find a boyfriend than you actually are.

The Rules specifically say not to:

• “Talk to your girlfriends all day long about the date..” 

• “Don’t see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who absolutely can’t wait for you to get married..”

The Rules aren’t for every woman

The Rules say that adhering to their specific set of guidelines will attract the ideal partner, suggesting that dating and eventually falling in love are skills that can be mastered. You might not vibe with The Rules and think they are too complex or limiting. Perhaps that is true for your personality, but the key lessons of trusting your own conscience and valuing your time are important independent of your interest in marriage. 

If you've had a string of unsuccessful relationships, why not consider giving these principles a shot for the next six months?