Male-Female Friendships Have an Expiration Date, and That’s Ok

First published: https://www.theconservateur.com/conservateur-club/male-female-friendships-have-an-expiration-date-and-thats-ok

Many people say that men and women can’t be close friends because their situation is bound to be compromised by sexual or romantic interest. I recently rewatched cult classic movies “When Harry Met Sally” and “Some Kind Of Wonderful," which speak to this theory. Both films suggest that male-female friendships are doomed to be temporary because at least one of the parties is often secretly in love with the other.

There is a lot of truth in this hypothesis. While not all male-female friendships are driven by motivation for “something more,” they all have an expiration date. 

I was never one of those girls who only had male friends. It's a red flag if women can’t keep close female friends, in my opinion. However, for my entire life I’ve always had a few very close guy friends who I would rank in the “best friend” tier. 

In college, my best friend on campus (who was also from my hometown) had the spare key to my car, which was given to him by my dad, who didn’t trust me with it. We weren’t in the same friend groups but we still intentionally did most of our boring tasks, like grocery shopping or laundry, together just for the sake of it. He was and is a true, wonderful friend who I have a lot of love for. But, when he entered into his first serious relationship, things changed pretty quickly. And that was okay. As his friend, I wanted him to be in a happy and loving relationship even though that meant spending less time with me. 

On the flip side, if you're the new girlfriend, it can be very intimidating and off-putting to spend time with another girl who has known your boyfriend much longer than you. This is especially true if she is the type of girl that likes to subtly remind you that she knows him better.

Eventually, if you keep dating, you and your boyfriend will softly fade that female friend out because it’s just more comfortable for you when she’s not around. This is the unfortunate situation that many girls with male friends can find themselves in, if they aren’t careful. 

I made sure to add my college pal's new girlfriend on every social media platform and tried my hardest to make her understand that I was excited and happy that they were falling in love, and that I'd like to be her friend as well. This is the only way to maintain a close friendship with a “taken” guy friend.

Sometimes our girl friends date or marry men that we don’t connect with very much, or even somewhat dislike, but everything about our friendship stays relatively the same. That’s not unusual because women naturally want and need to build friendships with other women, away from the purview of their husbands. “Mom’s crazy friends that Dad doesn’t like” is a sitcom plot device that rings true in my family and many others.

However, if you think you might be in love with the guy you’re friends with, you should take the risk of bombing your friendship and tell him. There are few things more excruciating than watching the person you love fall for someone else. And if he starts dating someone else, you might rarely see them anyway. The end result is about the same, so take the gamble and bet on yourself.

But at a certain point, it's probably not appropriate for you and your guy friend to hang out alone anymore. The Mike Pence rule exists for a reason. It helps ensure marital confidence. Women need to look at their guy friend’s new girlfriend not just as their plus one to events, but as a new person they ought to welcome and build a relationship with. This is perhaps the only way to remain in your male friend’s life, and that is how it should be. After all, dating is the precursor to marriage. People in relationships need to be their partner’s closest confidant and companion.