‘Situationships’ Are Destroying Dating
First published: https://www.theconservateur.com/conservateur-club/situationships-are-destroying-dating
Here are the important lessons from my four-year “situationship.” Well, it was actually three years and six months, but who’s counting?
I’m not sure if it's that dating apps make it seem like there are lots of beautiful, datable women around every corner, the casualization of porn online, or just the general pacification of men, but something has gone terribly wrong with dating. I, and most of my friends, have at some point between the ages of 18 and 26 been in at least one emotionally disastrous relationship that wasn’t exactly a relationship.
These guys don’t want to be our boyfriends. They just want to consistently talk to us, be around us, and absolutely do not want us talking to any other men. It’s akin to the 2022 version of a concubine, but it doesn’t always have to be physical. Before I unpack this phenomena a bit more, let’s start with a definition.
Situationship: Noun, when two people form a romantic relationship that’s thinly disguised as a platonic friendship. Those participating in the situationship never acknowledge to one another that they are romantically attached, although all mutual acquaintances would probably describe the participants as “toxically dating.” The arrangement usually consists of one hopeful, optimistic person looking for more and one interested but emotionally unavailable person.
Now that we have a working definition, I need to emphasize to you, the reader, how common situationships are. Note: please don’t make a drinking game out of how often I use the word situationship, as you will get alcohol poisoning.
TikTok, for better or worse, is a very accurate social barometer. It informs us of what new restaurants to eat at and what revivalist hairstyle people are trying out for the summer, although it’s unclear if curtain bangs are still in style. The #situationships tag on TikTok caught on around the beginning of summer, which is typically the peak season for such flings.
There are lots of variations, but the big three are: The father (#situationship 784.6 million views), the son (#situationship, 62.1 million views) and the unholy ghost (#situationshipsbelike 15.9 million views).
The most popular videos are, sadly, relatable snapshots that capture how emotionally manipulative men, and some women, act towards the people that they won’t date but will keep on call as their emotional pack mule. That is, until they inevitably find someone they prefer.
The relationship isn’t real, even though everyone in the situationship-ers’ mutual social circles knows that the couple is together. It begs the question: why deny reality? Because it’s an effective way to shrug off the emotional responsibility that comes with a relationship and consider more serious questions such as, “where is this going?”
I’m somewhat sympathetic to situationships in college. It’s a very transitory time with summers of separation and lots of alcohol-fueled emotional immaturity. My situationship started just before my sophomore year and functioned like an on-again-off-again relationship until summer 2021. Although we are all old enough to know better and to recognize instability, it’s quite easy, and usually really fun at first, to lead with your heart in pursuit of the person you’re most attracted to and think you’re falling in love with.
Lots of movies marketed to young women positively portray sitiationships working out. Some more recent ones being Netflix's Kissing Booth (trilogy: 2018-2021) and To All The Boys I Loved Before (trilogy: 2018-2021) but even Pretty Woman could qualify as a situationship movie. In contrast, He’s Just Not That Into You (2009) and How To Be Single (2016), although a little dated, are a good slap in the face to help recognize harmful habits. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way.
My situationship ended because my ex told me he was going to go on a first date with someone else, which prompted me to stop talking to him for about 4 months. He actually told me this while I was in public at my favorite bar. I then proceeded to cry at the table and a waitress gave me a free sympathy beer, God bless her.
I made the mistake of trying to reconnect after a few months. He showed up to parties I was at, invited me over, and wanted to regularly get drinks. My friends told me to stop hanging out with him, but I justified spending time together because, “We didn’t actually ever date! We were always just friends!” That lie hurts to read and I cringe thinking about how many times I repeated it to my roommates before skipping out our front door to another emotionally damaging, faux date.
Perhaps the worst part of a situationship is that when it’s over, it’s not possible to explain to anyone what you lost without feeling crazy. Explaining that the hope that you had for your future with that person seems silly since you never officially dated, and most of your friends will probably say some variation of, “I’m sorry, but we all saw this coming.”
There’s nothing tangible to mourn and no breakup date to cite. That’s probably why the #situationship tag is so popular on Instagram and TikTok. Girls finally have a term to identify with and recognize the emotional harm we put ourselves through.
So, how do you solve a situationship? You need to say exactly what you want and accept that the other person might say:
“You’re crazy.”
“You’re the one that wanted this.”
“What’s the big deal? We aren’t even together.”
“I was never your boyfriend.”
“We were clear from the beginning that this wasn’t going anywhere.
“Why can’t we just keep having fun?”
“Let’s just be friends then”
And finally, "Things can just go back to normal.”
Women need to demand more from the men we spend time with because good men will rise to the occasion. It doesn’t matter if you are 19 or 25, the men that are actually interested in you will match the standards that you set.