How to Navigate the ‘Talking Stage’

First published: https://www.theconservateur.com/conservateur-club/how-to-navigate-the-talking-stage

While previous generations engaged in courtship, children of the 2000s are often caught in ambiguous pre-relationship territories, such as the “talking stage.”

The “talking stage” means that you and your love interest are chatting regularly, hanging out, and contemplating a future relationship, although with no sure timeline. It’s a stretch to say you’re “dating.”

This limbo phase is especially prevalent among mixed-sex friend groups and people who use dating apps. In college, it’s pretty normal for people to jump immediately from “talking” into a relationship. Prospective couples often don’t go on formal dates because they’re broke and hang out on campus anyways. The lines between friendship and dating are blurry. 

Such vague romantic attachments can easily morph into situationships, which I defined in an earlier piece as “when two people form a romantic relationship that’s thinly disguised as a platonic friendship, in which one party is emotionally unavailable.” Situationships are almost always dead on arrival, while the talking phase is a normal step preceding relationships. That being said, it’s important to spend your time intentionally so you’re not stuck in the talking stage for longer than you want or deserve. 

Here are three common problems women encounter in the talking stage and some recommendations for how to overcome them: 

Dating apps encourage too much texting before meeting. On dating apps, it makes sense to chat with a potential partner for at least a few days to make sure that he is worth your time over another match. This is perfectly fine, but it also can halt progression. If you don’t go on a date or have plans to go on a date within one week of matching, move on and put effort into someone more decisive. 

Dating feels like a serious step. Dating can be casual, or it be a meaningful step towards a relationship. There are few social taboos left around men and women spending time together alone or even sleeping together after first meeting. Hanging out, hooking up, or flirting with members of the opposite sex is, unfortunately, pretty normal, but dating often carries a heavier social weight. Just hanging out and talking often sidesteps the need for formality without excluding the potential for a relationship, which is how people end up in situationships. It’s easier to “talk” to multiple people, but it’s expensive to date them. Giving someone attention via text is quick and cheap, but going on multiple dates requires more commitment and time. 

There are too many ways to communicate. We have more mediums to communicate now than ever before. If a guy doesn’t reply to me within a day on Snapchat, I might direct message him a funny tweet I saw. If he hasn’t texted me back and I consciously don’t want to double text, I could send him a reel or reply to his Instagram story and vice versa. After a few weeks of talking and spending time together, pull away  to see if he is intentional about reaching out to you. 

For long-distance “talking.” People who travel often but are interested in someone in another city fall into two categories: they consistently communicate to maintain contact and interest without explicitly clarifying their intentions or they schedule intentional dates to move the situation forward. You’re the only person who knows what you will tolerate for long distance “talking.” Your time is the most valuable resource you have. Give the situation 2.5 months before directly asking the question: “what are we doing here?”