Resist the Binary Choice between Career and Family

Published by The Conservateur: https://www.theconservateur.com/conservateur-club/resist-the-binary-choice-between-career-and-family

My draft piece (not the linked above version)

At a recent Turning Point USA rally, a young woman and student at Pepperdine University asked in regards to balancing family and career, “Would you be able to give me some advice as someone who wants to succeed [as a doctor] but wont get out of residency until about 30?” 

Charlie Kirk assertively responded that, “You’re going to have to choose which one matters more.”

He is not only wrong, but damaging the movement that he’s trying to build. Motherhood and career are not mutually exclusive, however there are practical trade offs that should be considered when making any major life decision. $40,000 on a car means $40,000 less for a downpayment on a house, a years-long engagement means less time to have children- there is always an opportunity cost.

Charlie is right in impressing the reality that there is a narrow window of fertility and the statistics aren’t comforting: 

• It’s estimated that about 26% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, although the number is plausibly higher since some women can miscarry without knowing they were pregnant.

• The risk of miscarrying increased gradually as you age, with a 50% chance of miscarriage for women 45+.

• According to estimates by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, women under 30 have about 25% chance of getting pregnant naturally each cycle, that chance drops to 20% for women over 30, By 40, the chance of getting pregnant naturally each month is just 5%.

Telling women that there is something inherently wrong or bad about any sort of out-of-home labor will only push normal, working women away from the conservative movement.  

Furthermore, for men and women, finding someone who wants to immediately quit their job is difficult to filter for because in our society the default model is for married couples to both work outside of the home. 

A better way for Charlie to answer this question, considering his wide reaching audience, would be for him to say something like, “If you want to be a parent and find a life partner, that needs to be prioritized alongside attending medical school. It can be done, but it is difficult. For women, there is a somewhat narrow window of time to decide if you want to have children, and it’s not smart to hedge a bet that you will be able to schedule a few pregnancies into a 1-3 year window of time in your 30s. There are tradeoffs with everything, and it’s important to think about what will make you happiest at the end of your life, and what is realistic for your particular circumstance.”

I am 25, I have a full time job and I do some writing on the side. I do not begin every first date with a guy by saying, “Yes, I would immediately like to quit my job once we are engaged” because that is probably not the best way to attract a financially stable, normal man.

Making young women sympathetic to the conservative movement is not done by telling them that they have two options: work or breed. Normal girls in college, the main demographic of Turning Point, need to be sold on the true,wholesome image of the conservative movement- meaning generally unrestricted economic opportunities with a healthy understanding of tradeoffs and the importance of family.

The idea that “women can have it all,” has been dead for some time- which is why childless-by choice couples are increasing. 

When couples are presented with a binary option of either themselves or a family, and they are not already sold on the foundational goodness of family formation- why wouldn’t they choose the easier and more cost effective option-- themselves?

That binary choice is something we need to smash and rebuild in the image of a holistic, joyful family life and personal fulfillment. Telling those who are naturally inclined to take the Girlboss path, which our culture pushes them towards, that they should give up what they are interested in as a righteous sacrifice is the type of thinking that fueled the feminist movement and led to broad prescription of the pill, delayed pregnancy, delayed marriage and high divorce rates. 

Some of the brightest minds in the conservative movement, and in the Catholic church, have been working women- it would be a shame for our future thought leaders to feel as though participating in public life would be a sin against her family’s well being, or for a talented young worker to think that she would have to entirely trade her career for a family.