Don't Flirt to Convert with Politics

Final piece linked here: https://www.theconservateur.com/lifestyle/dont-flirt-to-convert-with-politics

My earlier draft version of this piece: Be wary of Flirting To Convert With Politics

Convincing your partner to adopt your political principles is possible, but not something to aim for or assume will work out. 

In order for someone to be so inspired by your beliefs that they take them on, you should cultivate your own principled understanding of the world so that you become a gravitational force of rationality. This is the only way to ultimately convince someone of a worldview that doesn't match their existing mental framework without losing yourself in the flummoxing, exciting process of courtship.

There are more liberal women than conservative men

There is more political division today than there has been in the past 25 years, particularly between young men and young women. This doesn’t bode well for the replacement rate if people are unwilling to date, marry and reproduce with people who have different political values.

In response to this division, author Peachy Keenan gives advice I would best describe as ‘Flirt to convert’ in her recent article, “Conservative men, you can save women from toxic feminism. It happened to me.” She’s right — I’ve seen at least three friends of mine become, what I would consider, conservative by dating and marrying strong men who have very set views of the world. 

Flirt to convert’ is a common, cheeky phrase said to couples of different religions, usually different Christian denominations. There’s a lot of nuance baked into those three little words. It acknowledges that there are meaningful differences in world view, that that couple is romantically interested in each other and motivated towards some goal- even if that just means few dates, and it communicates that there needs to be a significant amount of unity in order to build a life together, ideally in marriage. 

Not everyone settles on a one religion household, but ultimately parents need to make a decision as to what religion to raise their children. More often than not, the wife is responsible for religious cultivation at home. Pew reported in 2015 that 46% of people surveyed raised by parents affiliated with two different religions say their mother was primarily responsible for their religious upbringing, while just 7% say their father took primary responsibility.

Religion and politics are two very different buckets of goods, but it’s important in relationships to be on the same page about the important values that govern your life, and the values that you would like to pass on to your future children.

When does politics matter?

It’s very possible for you and your partner to not have an identical voting history, or political opinions, but have compatible values, which are more important to raising children and for lifestyle cohesion. On the other hand, you could meet someone at a church event who is very compatible but happens to have a slightly different outlook on politics. This could be perfectly fine, as long as you agree on key moral principles. 

A person must have a strong enough internal constitution and understanding of their own principles in order to inspire change in a partner. I do think this happens, occasionally, but more often the person who cares more about politics, or who has a more dominating personality, will define the political opinions of the other or functionally cause them to suspend sharing their opinion indefinitely because they don’t care enough to disagree. 

Convincing someone to switch their political affiliation is a commendable accomplishment, but could take years of slow persuasion or lots of taxing arguments. Ultimately, they may just give in because they don’t enjoy conflict, or harbor resentment that manifests in encouraging children to discount the set of values you feel is so important. 

Peachy Keenan gives sound advice to be yourself and let love interests’ either adapt or filter themselves out. “Let your Ken flag fly, fellas. If she is appalled, then she is not your gal. Don’t ever “feminize” yourself to appeal to a woman.” 

‘Convert to flirt,’ is a more helpful principle to assuring that your partner is properly self-motivated to agree with you. Consider a future if they possess the qualities that make for a cohesive life together and give the best foundation for producing children with moral compasses you respect. 

Be Wary Of Weak Men

It is possible to “save women from feminist,” like Peachy Keenan says, insofar that feminism means a broad set of loosely articulated cultural priors. However, if that set of beliefs is a deeply held ideology, then a man may lose himself trying to change a woman set in her ways or a woman may end up with a weak, easily persuadable man. 

If a guy is happy to go along with the type of restaurants you like, the paint color for the house and start drinking oat milk instead of dairy, then celebrate that he loves you enough to accommodate your preferences. If he so readily adopts your political views or religion without asking many questions, consider why that is. 

It’s fine to disagree with your partner on some things. Sharing an ideology or a particular set of beliefs does not necessarily make someone a good person-- it’s much more complicated than that. There are plenty of charitable and kind agnostics with no particularly articulated set of moral values and plenty of religious rule-followers who struggle with kindness.

We shouldn’t enter romantic relationships hoping to fundamentally fix someone’s outlook on life. Cultivating and refining your own view of the world, and learning how to live that out in a way that is convincing to the people around you is a more effective way to inspire a conversation of principles or a refining of viewpoint.